The Way of the Magoski

Windows work Both Ways

Candace and I were in Amsterdam last week for a few days and spent a great deal of time walking the city.  I was particularly intrigued by the windows of the City.  Almost every single window, wether it be the window of a University, of a jeweler, of a family was open to the passer by and  it appeared that great care had been taken on the presentation of what lay inside.  From the Red Light District to the Fine Art District, it seemed to be all about art.
At one one point, while in the Ann Frank House, I had a conversation with a Dutchman which left quite an impression on me.
"You Americans", he said, "have a completely different view on privacy than we here in Amsterdam.  You worry about people looking into your homes.  You fret if people see you undressed.  You don't want people to see your hair and make-up a mess.  But you let George Bush pass the Patriot Act.  You don't care if your government taps your phones and your computers and even your library records.  You are so superficial.  In Europe, we don't care if you look into our windows.  We don't hide our sex industry.  We don't pretend that morality means having puritanical values.  But when it comes to the government spying on us, when it comes to the true freedoms of people and society, we stand up for our rights.  What's with you Americans?"
He smiled.
He didn't expect an answer.
And I didn't have one.  Because his observations, while a bit of a generalization, were, for the most part, quite correct.

I had never been in Europe until last week.
I found it refreshing, liberating and alive.  It wasn't until we were flying home that his words began to set in.
Americans are a strange people.
I think I want to live in Europe for a while.

Don't Wake Me Up ... Just Yet

I'm cold and so tired.
but not sleepy tired
spinning wheels tired
going nowhere tired
facing the reality tired
looking in the mirror tired
dust and clutter tired

Don't Wake me Up Just Yet
I'm not there just yet
Don't wake me Up Just yet
I'm not there
Not just yet

but if I stopped now
tell me what point that would serve
how many smiles I would see
how many hands would be offered to me
how many hungry would go on
being hungry
if I stopped now, if I stopped now

Don't Wake me Up Just Yet
I'm not there just yet
Don't wake me Up Just yet
I'm not there
Not just yet

if I stopped would I take the time
to find my children
and if I found them would I try and tell them
what it is that they mean to me
how it is I got this tired
and if I found them and I told them
would they hear me?

Don't Wake me Up Just Yet
I'm not there just yet
Don't wake me Up Just yet
I'm not there
Not just yet

there's an ache inside me
but it's not from any lack of food
it's a hunger for a life not lived
it's the anxiety of uncertainty
of wondering if it's too late
to make peace with the choices
I have made

years of self indulgence
years of living beyond my means
pretending to be something
I am not, nor have been, but could have,
but chose not, and so here I am
watching in horror as my children walk so willingly
down the path of self-destruction

if i slow down this is what I see
it's the reason I do not stop
it's the reason for all of this clutter
but I'm getting tired
and it's not for lack of sleep
it's from living in a dream.

Don't Wake me Up Just Yet
I'm not there just yet
Don't wake me Up Just yet
I'm not there
Not just yet

Don't Wake me Up Just Yet
I'm not there just yet
Don't wake me Up Just yet
I'm not there
Not just yet

I've got nothing better to do
than sit here dreaming of you
Nothing's better to do
than sit'n here and dreaming of you
I've got nothing better
Nothing Better
I've got Nothing Better
than you.

Planks Law

"The key to inter planetary travel", says my Dad, "is in understanding Plank's law well enough to move beyond it."

When that happens a new age will dawn upon Man much in the way the Industrial Revolution occured.

Planks Law

If You Want to Solve the World's Problems ...

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Thank you Maggie Gyllinhaal

and so, I watched that movie again.    I worked a long and busy night and I didn't really feel like working that hard, but it was probably for the better because I didn't have to think all that much.  I didn't have to smile.  Yes, I still managed to, but it wasn't like too many people saw.  A few did and those smiles were like little reality checks.  I probably should have brought my camera but I didn't.  I didn't want to take any pictures.  No, it wasn't that I didn't want to take any pictures, it was that I didn't want to increase my back log of post processing the images in Photoshop and then preparing them for print and web and yet, in the midst of the chaos of the evening, a few images stood out in my mind.
The young couple standing at the entrance to the bar in a constant state of embrace.  She, in designer white tank top, pushing up her perfectly sized breasts to He, tall, chiseled young man who was polite in his John Bradley way every time I had to squeeze between them to get out to the floor to pick up empty glasses, empty ash trays and  just check on the status of the bar.  I didn't leave the bar all that much.  I had Farrah there with me.  She was working a party in the patio and cleaning up the Dining Room.  Her sister and cousins were at the last table in the bar hoping to be able to meet up with her after work, but they had to settle for only brief moments of conversation with her.  They didn't seem to mind that. I caught glimpses of conversation which I found to be both endearing and too girly for me and it didn't matter because I was only passing by.  Blanca was there  washing my glasses and cooking soup and making sauces.
And there was this girl that seemed to be with everyone and yet detached from everyone.  When she ordered a second glass of House Cabernet from me, we shared a lingering smile.  It wasn't a flirtatious smile.  Nor was a smile that was like whispering in your ear.  It was a friendly smile. It was a happy smile.  It was a smile connecting the space between two people's eyes with little dots, and if there was tag line to the dots, it might say something like, "Thanks for looking at me.  Thanks for seeing me."
Maybe that's why I connected with the movie.
Maybe it was Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?) .  Where Will Ferrill's movies are mostly all misses for me, Maggie's movies are all (from what i've seen)  well crafted stories that make you feel, that connect you to something other than popcorn and soda.
At one point Candace called me.  She had just gotten home from Boston.  I had thought she had driven by the restaurant, but she took another route and had no idea that the place was so busy that people were spilling out into the street. 
"Who left the chicken out?"
"Oh, that was me.  I am so sorry.  I totally forgot.  Until now ..."
And even in the insanity of that moment I had to take a step back and I had to pause this life.
I had forgotten about the chicken.  When the movie started yesterday, I had gone to the fridge and pulled out some of the left over's from Thanksgiving.    The funny thing was that I was really into the stuffing and gravy and the bread pudding.  I pulled out the cornish game hens because I figured I should eat some protein.    I made myself a plate.  I put the plate in the microwave.  Before the time even ended, I opened the door and I pulled out the plate and I went back to my chair and the movie and Magin sitting next to me, and when I was done I put the plate in the trash, but I totally forgot to put the left over hens back in the fridge.  I totally forgot."
"I am so sorry.  I completely forgot."
"what about the bread pudding?   Did you eat all the bread pudding?"
"I did. Are you coming in?  I'm slammed, but it's a really good vibe.  It's comfortable."  
There was a pause on her end.
And I should note that I was working while talking to her on the phone.  Which itself made for likely an interesting visual,  which maybe was the reason the young woman at the bar smiled at me when I gave her the glass of House Cabernet.  And maybe even the reason why the tall chiseled young man with the girlfriend with the perfect breasts who kept offering them up to him without actually touching him, were so polite to me. Perhaps, but I'd like to think that these people are just like this normally.
I thought about that young couple at the end of my bar, blocking people from coming in and me from getting out.  And I thought how wonderful it must have been to be lost in themselves and in their love in the midst of the live music and people spilling out into the streets and warmth of the community created.
"Satine's too excited right now.  I think I'll just stay here.  It's been a long flight."
"I understand Candace", I said,  "and like I said, I'm slammed.  I'll see you when I get home tonight."
And I hung up the phone and the night continued on.
And I remember when it was all over and Alphabet Man walked in and I could see, and sense, that he was a bit sad that he had waited so long before coming in, because he knew something cool had happened, but then something cool had happened last night with the Tomorrow People, and he hadn't even shown up.
Alphabet Man ordered a Cranberry Juice with a lemon wedge and I smiled and he gave me three dollars.

---

I awoke at 9:00.  Candace had already taken Satine on two walks in which she tried desperately to attack two large dogs, but lucky for her, they chose to ignore her.
As best as they could.  I was alone in the bed.  I got up.  It was cold.
"Candace?"
"I'm here", she said.
She brought me coffee.
I mentioned the movie I watched with Magin.  She told me she read the blog.
I asked her if she wanted to watch it.  And she said yes.
And I said, "right now?"
And she said, "how about in bed.  It's warmer under the covers."
And so she brought coffee and we watched the movie.

And again, I cried.  This time, twice.  There's this part in the movie when Will Ferrill has this epiphany that he can live the life he wants.  That it is ok to be Happy.  And ... I connected with that.  A tear welled because I, just like Will, knew that this epiphany was coming too late.  What is it to come to an understanding of self when it doesn't matter any more?  When  the self is going to dissipate into the ether?  I fought that tear off.  I'm sure Candace heard me pulling on the tear's leash.  And I think i was pretty clever in keeping the tear from leaving my eye socket.
But what I was surprised at was that i did shed tears at the same point in the ending of the film.  And I thought the same things I did yesterday when Magin was sitting  next to me.
And I felt so humbled.

What is the point of epiphanys that come too late?

If I could only write so well.
Such a beautiful well crafted movie this was.   And the fact that my daughter had chosen this film,  the fact that she had actually purchased this film, said volumes about her.
Wow.

I thought about how people connect.  How we could place dots between those moments we neglect to remember and if we connected all those dots things would make sense. Like when we prepare ourselves for pictures.  When we take our hair down and smile,  and if you think about, the best pictures are the ones taken when you're not anticipating the flash, when you're not planning your smile or your facial composition. That's how you can measure connectivity with a person.

That's the epiphany.
ISn't it?

The silence of crowded room.  Lovers in a corner.  Laughter and song and the joy of being in a warm room on a cold night.
A phone to your ear bringing the voice from far to near.  
A smile, a thank you, a glance, a measure of happenstance.
The connecting of dots
and abandoning of it's analysis.

The epiphany is simply to accept the truth of one's Life.
And thus, to find happiness in that acceptance.

What kind of Man walks willingly to his death because he knows that if he chooses not to die that day, others will be forever impacted.  That the fate of the entire world might change?
What kind of Man does this?

You might say ' a holy man'.   You might say, "that's what Jesus would do."
But isn't this the point of this epiphany I am having.

Holliness is not an absract thought.  And Jesus is not some symbol we all look up to.
We each embody the ability to change and transform and to act with such altruistic aims.

Wow.

See what Magin spawned.
Now do you understand why I cried?

And thank you Maggie for giving will the opportunity to really make a difference in some poor fools life

like
mine.

Will Ferrill made me Cry

Magin  and I watched a movie together today.  She picked it and we watched it at my house.
She had to leave before it was over.  So she didn't see me cry.  The ending of the movie made me cry.
Funny, it was a movie I never would have watched had she not brought it over.
"You don't like Will Ferril", she said.  "Everyone likes Will Ferrill."
"I don't like Will Ferrill", I said.
"How can you not like Will Ferrill?"
"He makes stupid movies.  He panders to the corporations.  He makes a fool of himself at the expense of
all things with a deeper meaning."
All Magin said was, "Well, I think you'll like this movie."

And I did.
It was a beautiful movie.  The ending made me cry.  And I don't even know why.
I just did.
She's made it.  She'll be OK.  And I thought about Kacie and Holly.  And I wondered if I would have such moments like these with them.

And the voice inside me answered, "if that's what you want, then that's what you'll get."
And I found myself minutes later in front of my computer looking at the screen watching to see what words would appear in front of my eyes.

The Choice is Yours.  It Always is.

What am I Thankful For?

It always seems the case with me that when I begin to come close to an ephiney of sorts that I usually fail to slow down enough to prevent myself from colliding with the block wall of reality.  On this day, as I give thanks for all that I have, I also clearly recognize my failures and shortcomings.

Perhaps then, that which I should be giving the most thanks to are that and those that love me despite me, despite my lack of involvement.  Despite my excuses.

Holly, Murray, Jason, Micki, Magin, Kacie, Candace, Dad

How is I call myself Father, Brother, Husband and Son?  Thank you for your tolerance, your compassion and your love.

What Happened to the American Dream?

The Creation of Community 

That is what our founding Fathers were attempting.  To create a new society, but a better one for all, or a better one for those wielding some degree of wealth and power?   I wonder if aliens look at our planet in much the same way as we here on earth scout out locations to build our cities and homes.
Everyone wants open space.
Everyone wants clear clean air. 
Everyone wants to feel connected to the world we inhabit.
And yet, how many of our creations have stood such a test of time?  In how many of our cities do we have open space, a sense of place, a sense of the size and scope of the universe in which we inhabit?  In how many of our cities can we look up into the sky during the day and  find comfort in the blue light that bathes us, to enjoy that sense of wonder watching clouds slowly passing by; and, at night, in how many of our cities can we look up into an emptiness of everything, delighting in the Dance of Time and Humbling ourselves in the knowledge that we are as visible to the heavens as paramecium are to us.

Perhaps this is why we go to the desert.
We are connected here.  We are a part of something.  We make a difference. Our voice counts. People listen. We listen.

Meet Jason

Note-  I wrote this in April of 2007 and had intended for it to be the begining of a blog dedicated soley to our son Jason, who is developmentally delayed and  lives about an hour and a half away in  a group  home .

That never happened.

Perhaps it will happen now, if I simply include Jason in this blog.Which is what I should have done  anyways.Since I wrote this blog, Jason's meds have been altered quite drastically.  He now takes far less mind numbing drugs and is much more engaged with the world around him.  That comes with a price though, because Jason has the mind and the curiosity of a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager and an adult all rolled up into one and all interacting with the world in seemingly random ways.  I've come to think that nothing is random with Jason.

MEDS
Maybe it's not Fair to Start Here?

But is it?  Here's a list of his Daily meds.  You tell me if the continued consumption of all of this all day long every day might change the mind of the being inhabiting the shell inside?  As I look for links to each med in an attempt to better understand not just what it is that Jason is taking, but why he is taking these meds, I wonder if the philisophy behind Jason's care is to basically keep him sedated and docile, and not for his benefit, but for his care-givers ... and without my really knowing anything about these drugs, a  quick examination suggests that some of these meds are taken to counteract the affects

• 6am

Risperdal                   
1MG     Take One Tablet by Mouth Three times a Day for PSYCHOSIS

Zyprexa                     
5MG     Take One Tablet by Mouth  in the Morning for PSYCHOSIS

• 3pm

Chlorpromazine HCL
200MG     Take One Tablet by Mouth at 3pm and 1 tablet at Bedtime for (anti)PSYCHOSIS

Risperdal                   
1MG     Take One Tablet by Mouth Three times a Day for PSYCHOSIS

• 8pm

Oxybutynin Chloride
5 MG     Take One Tablet by at Bedtime for ENURESIS

Pravachol                  
20 MG     Take One Tablet by Mouth at bedtime for HYPERLIPIDEMIA

Chlorpromazine HCL
200MG      Take One Tablet by Mouth at 3pm and 1 tablet at Bedtime for PSYCHOSIS

Imipramine
25 MG    Take One Tablet by Mouth at 3pm and 1 tablet at Bedtime for  ENURESIS

Desmopressin
.2 MG     Take One Tablet at bedtime for Bedwetting

Some comments from People who have taken these drugs and CAN make a comment on them.  So this is what is happening to Jason ... 
First Column is the disorder that the drug was prescribed for, 2nd column, side effects and third is user comments.  So I want to know why Jason is being treated for Psychosis?

RISPERDOL

 

 

Asperger's Syndrome

Extrapyramidal movements, erectile dysfunction, loss of libido, lethargy, gynecomastia, weight gain

Works wonderfully for autism related symptoms. After 8 years of use got extrapyramidal movements that disappeared after Inderal added to the mix. Weight gain was 35KG over the decade and only lost after a intensive phase on a VLCD. Lethargy a killer (but not as bad as Seroquel). Gynecomastia embarrassing as a teenager but tolerable. Sexual issues crippling now. Any parent considering starting their autistic child on this medication needs to seriously evaluate the pros and cons of this drug, even if side effects may not manifest until later in life.

psychosis

Abnormal walk, Difficulty ejaculating, Impotence, Agitation,  Difficulty urinating, Nasal inflammation.

Don' t take risperdal for long time, the effects that i have described are irreversible in me.

psychotic  episode

sexual side effects

Works but you pay the price. I have been off 4 months and sexual side effect has not gone away. I mispelled the place that treats mental illness with nutrition. It is Pfeiffer Treatment Center in Warrenville, IL. I hope this helps someone.

Dr.s wanted my money

I felt tired all the time. Too tired to be depressed. I guess that's how they consider this a successful drug. You just don't feel anything anymore. But you don't feel better either. Your head is full of clouds.

Reading all the rave reviews about this drup I couldn't help but wonder if they had been paid by the manufacturer. I was put on this junk at 16. That was over 5 years ago when this was a relatively new drug. Admittedly I don't know how long this has been on the market but I do know that it hadn't been properly tested on young people. As such it should never have been marketed to children. And the reason I was given this was because I complained about bullies at school. Don't do anything to improve my situation at school, just put me on drugs to shut me up. If this drug helps you, fine. But if you've been given a prescription know that it will not help if there are conditions in your life that are making you miserable. It won't stop the bullies, the abusive parent, etc. I told them the drugs weren't working and they wouldn't listen. I asked them to re-evalute my diagnosis and aknowledge that were factors in my life (not chemicals in my head) that were making me miserable. Being tormen

personality disorder

weak erection, chest pains, muscle twitching, weird walk, weaker knuckles, testicular pains, penile pains

STAY AWAY!! This crap is suicide. This crap made me feel weird since my dick wouln't fully erect, it hurt after i ejaculated, i had pains in my testicles and penis. Ive been off this crap for 3 months and am still battling the side effects. If you need help, visit www.actionlove.com. Dr Lin can help you detoxify and rejuvinate yo self. I am currently using his products and they have helped quite a bit.....This junk is poison....and it all started at 2 mg. I read that the side effects can last forever....I am so pissed....DEATH TO THE CREATORS!!!!!!! STAY AWAY!!!!!!

Zyprexa

withdrawal syndrome from Celexa

I took Celexa, and had a severe reaction to it. I was removed from it cold turkey (NEVER DO THIS OR ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THIS TO YOU). I wound up with panic attacks, tingling in my arms and legs, paranoia, intrusive suicidal urges, etc...So my doctor gave me Zyprexa for an "off-label" use. She said I had anxiety. The first couple of weeks were okay, except I gained 8 1/2 lbs., and was having occasional twitches. When I found out it is an antipsychotic, I decided to wean off of it. The withdrawal syndrome from Celexa returned, and culminated in akathisia, a severe neurological disorder which causes the sufferer to pace endlessly and eventually leads to suicide if not treated. Not knowing that Zyprexa can cause this, I returned to the doctor, where it was reinstated. The next month was a living hell. I had burning sensations in my arms and legs, I felt disconnected from reality, I would wake up without a single thought in my head, I was knocked out 12 hours a day,

Please do not allow a doctor to convince you that you need this drug. Do some research regarding psychiatry and "chemical imbalances". I studied psychology in university, and there really is no proof that any psychological disorders actually exist. Psychiatry is simply a way to pathologize regular human emotions and behavior, and consequently make a lot of people very rich. If you are having emotional problems, seek the advice of alternative health care practitioners, or a doctor who will run a full medical exam. AND DON'T LET THE DOCTORS TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL SUFFER FROM YOUR "DISORDER" FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. All of these so-called disorders (unless caused by brain damage, or other physical health problems, many of them treatable, such as hypothyroidism) are transient, and usually the result of stress. If you would not willingly undergo a lobotomy, then do not take this drug

for more patient comments
Zyprexa is prescribed for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorders, and

   

Schizophrenia

Does Jason have any of these?   With the side effects so extreme and so many patient comments in the negative, why would doctors prescribe this drug to Jason who would not be able to give proper feedback on what it is doing to him?

Chlorpromazine HCL
I cannot find any user comments on this, but it appears that this drug is being prescribed in an attempt to counteract some of the effects of the above two.

So What is Psychosis?

Psychosis is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". Stedman's Medical Dictionary defines psychosis as "a severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning."^[1]

Jason is develomentally delayed.  He is non-verbal.  He communicates through gutteral noise and touch as well as through gesture and eye contact.  Mentally, Jason seems to fluctuate between that of a 3 year old and that which might be considered age appropriate.  Jason is 28 years old.  He understands that keys are needed to unlock a lock, he knows that seat belts must be worn inside a vehicle and he when done with his breakfast, he'll put the fork in the sink if you remember to stop him before he throws the paper plate into the trash with the fork. But, he does not brush his teeth, he has great difficulty bathing himself, he has no concept of a gas flame on the kitchen stove and does not understand social dynamics enough to know that you don't get within a few inches of a large man in a bar, especially one that might look like he'd go out of his way to prove he is not a homosexual.  Jason does not understand social contracts. But is Jason Psychotic? Perhaps the 'pyschosis', as described above, is the benchmark of his condiiton ... described as some form of Autism and perhaps a branch of Aspergers Syndrome, but one could also argue that Jason is detached from most of societal reality, because he is unable to communicate effectively, even though he can comprehend and understand most everything that is communciated to him. 

What is Asperger's Disorder?

Asperger's Disorder is a milder variant of Autistic Disorder.   Both Asperger's Disorder and Autistic Disorder are in fact subgroups of a larger diagnostic category.  This larger category is called either Autistic Spectrum Disorders, mostly in European countries, or Pervasive Developmental Disorders ("PDD"), in the United States.  In Asperger's Disorder, affected individuals are characterized by social isolation and eccentric behavior in childhood. There are impairments in two-sided social interaction and non-verbal communication. Though grammatical, their speech is peculiar due to abnormalities of inflection and a repetitive pattern. Clumsiness is prominent both in their articulation and gross motor behavior. They usually have a circumscribed area of interest which usually leaves no space for more age appropriate, common interests. Some examples are cars, trains, French Literature, door knobs, hinges, cappucino, meteorology, astronomy or history.  The name "Asperger" comes from Hans Asperger, an Austrian physician who first described the syndrome in 1944.  An excellent translation of Dr. Asperger's original paper is provided by Dr. Uta Frith in her Autism and Asperger Syndrome.

And what exactly are Pervasive Developmental Disorders?
The diagnostic category pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), as opposed to specific developmental disorders (SDD), refers to a group of five disorders characterized by delays in the development of multiple basic functions including socialization and communication. The most commonly known PDD is (1) Autistic Disorder, with the remaining identified as (2) Rett's Disorder, (3) Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, (4) Asperger's Syndrome, and (5) Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (or PDDNOS).^[1]

ENGAGE the WORLD or RETREAT

Seems to me the current philosophy in Jason's treatment plan is to ASSIST HIM in his FURTHER RETREAT from the shared communal reality of PLANET EARTH.

Yes, It is difficult to handle Jason at times.  He requires constant participation from those who are watching over him. If you turn your head for even a moment he will be out the door and down the street, likely in search of children to play with or trailers to unhitch from their tow vehicles. He is constantly pointing at pictures ... especially of his step sister Holly ... for whom he adores.  He will point at this picture over and over – and if by chance one is able to bring the two of them together, he will shy away rather than engage.

it seems to me that the proper treatment for Jason would be to work on ways to help him ENGAGE the world, rather than medicate him so that it easier to HANDLE him.  It seems that the current medical plan is designed to DIS-ENGAGE him even more.  Because he understands what is said to him, and because he has no means of properly communicating and because this is aggravated by his own mental deficiences, I'd imagine a great deal of frustration on his part ... this is sometimes a violent release; however, I believe that in more incidents than not, the escalation to violence was percipitated by signs and signals that is noticed could possibly have prevented the outbreak. 
Admittedly, watching him like a hawk so to see these signals and signs  can be daunting, if not impossible, unless  a care giver is with him and him alone 24 hours a day.
Neither we, nor the State, has funds for this.

And so it appears that the mindset, at least from the State's point of view, is to Keep him  perpetually sedated .. in this way Jason can not be a danger to society and himself, and given his limited mental faculties, still retain a rasonably good quality of life (especially in the context of his living in a propserous region of the United States.
So, while this might all be a great rationalization for the drugs prescribed to him, does Jason in fact have Psychosis in the degree/manner to which the drugs were designed ?
That question, I cannot answer.  I would hope the answer is NO.  But perhaps, this is precisely what these drugs have been designed to do.

So What is Enuresis?
Enuresis (say "en-yur-ee-sis") is the medical term for bed-wetting during sleep. Bed-wetting is fairly common. About 5 million to 7 million children wet the bed. It's more common among boys than girls.
The  OXYBUTYNIN  that Jason is an anti-spasmodic, analgesic and local anaesthetic.  I do not believe that Jason's inability to control his bladder is completely medical.  I believe that just as he needs prompting to wash his hands, blow his nose and ..., he also needs prompting to use the bathroom.  Simply put, he doesn't think about it until it is usually too late.  This likely explains his night time bed wetting.
But there is another reason Jason pees. 
Attention
In his arsenal of communication tools, peeing his pants is one of the tools he  will use to get attention or make a  statement. He knows what the outcome will be if he pees his pants during the day in public.  it usually terminates whatever activity was ongoing.

Is this medicine necesary?
I don't really know.

Candace tells me that the frequency of Jason's outbursts and attacks on others has increased over the past months.

But is this is his fault?   Again, Jason communicates primarily through touch.  His world is a tactile world of touch and eye contact.  He uses what abilities he does have to communicate his message.
And if his message is FRUSTRATION and a desire for INDEPENDENCE, and if no one is listening or paying any attention, what is his alternative but to use violence as a device.  Add in the fact that he does have developmental disorders and a lack of societal obligtaion and approriateness and it's easy to see and understand why his outbreaks escalate so easily.

We placed Jason in a group home whne he was approximately 18-19.  He was violent and we feared our safety.  At the time, it was determined, through professional opinion paid for by the STATE, that the reason for his hostility was simply his desire for independence.  Jason did not want to always be in our shadow, going where we went, doing what we did.  He wanted his own life.  After placement, the episodes stopped.
In the last few years, these episodes have begun again ... only this time round, the idea that perhaps he needs to be replaced does not seem to exist; rather, the thinking is to sedate him into a near zombie like state so that he can be managed easily, will not assert his will and be of little harm to those around him.
But, is this LIFE?

IS THIS LIFE?

So What is HYPERLIPIDEMIA?

Hyperlipidemia, hyperlipoproteinemia or dyslipidemia is the presence of elevated or abnormal levels of lipids and/or lipoproteins in the blood. Lipids (fatty molecules) are transported in a protein capsule, and the density of the lipids and type of protein determines the fate of the particle and its influence on metabolism.

Lipid and lipoprotein abnormalities are extremely common in the general population, and are regarded as a highly modifiable risk factor for cardiovascular disease due to the influence of cholesterol, one of the most clinically relevant lipid substances, on atherosclerosis. In addition, some forms may predispose to acute pancreatitis

Is Jason taking this drug because the other drugs have elevated his lipids?
Is Jason slowly being Killed?
Is Jason nothing more than the 'mouse' in someone's experiments?

And how long will we, his FAMILY, sit idle, and do nothing but pop these pills into his mouth, and watch the Life slowly fade away from what once were
HAPPY EYES ...

_________________

BLUE SKY EYES



I feel like I have so let him down.  I have allowed my own petty whims and desires, wants and needs to have presendence over his.  And here I, his own family, complain about those entrusted with his medical care, but have used the same methodology in my approach to him ... have I also allowed the idea of zombifying him to have a  measure of tolerance in that his inability to voice his own opinion allows me to not have to see it.
But the mirror is not far away.
And there indeed times when I look into it and I see the Truth of what I am.

XMAS
a new start

And so now I take you back to December 25 of 2006.  Christmas day started out good, but we all allowed it to disintegrate rapidly.  Not a present was opened, not a word of love shared.  And while there are reasons for all that happened, and valid as they might have been, we all ignored the one person who most wanted the day, and who least cared about the material gifts ...  Jason.

Even in his medicated mind, he still wanted that day.  I know he Did. And we can still give it to him. We can still give it to him. Perhaps, what we need as a Family to do, is to give him that DAY at least ONCE a MONTH.  We need to REAFFIRM LIFE and JASON. And we need to all sit down with the Doctor(s) and ask them WHY WHY WHY








So Now You Know Jason's Meds

Now you'll better be able to meet Jason.  And perhaps be a bit more udnerstanding of his world and how he moves through it.

Hunger

 

 I was hungry but when I got food and ate my fill, I was full, but didn't feel any less hungry.
I was tired and I kept going on until I just couldn't stay awake, but even in my sleep I was tired, and when I awoke,

I was not any more rested than before I slept.
I sat in the empty room of the house that I just built admiring how well I was able to make my vision become a reality, but I was
alone in that room with all the well placed lights dimmed to just the right levels and found myself staring at the answering machine in
my office next door.
I remembered looking out the window of the car as we were driving to Pete's in Crenshaw this morning.  I remembered all the cars on the freeway.  You know when you walk you can look up and down and all around.  It's easy to stop.  You can't do that so easily in a car.
We passed by the LA Skyline and I thought it looked almost like a painting the way the sunlight was dancing through the passing storm clouds and reflecting off the glass windows and I saw a billboard, and it said, "Be Heard."
It was a white duck and the duck was saying, "Be Heard."
And I thought to  myself.
Does that mean make sure you talk loud enough to be heard?   Or, does it mean that maybe other people should be be listening better?
I saw a cat on the hill on the side of the Santa Monica Freeway and it was just a few exits before Crenshaw and there were houses above the cat and I figured that that is where the car came from and it didn't seem to bother the cat that all these cars, like red blood cells in arteries, were
moving like a river of metal and plastic and skin and bones and I wondered if anyone else in the cars saw the cat like I saw the cat.

We passed by the train station and next to it the LA RIver and it was filled with rushing water and I thought two things.  I thought it strange to see the LA River filled with water and then I wondered how many people lost their shelters to that water.
And I wondered how it is we ask people to spend money and make this capitalism work and then when folks run out of credit and can't spend any more money, we just discard them like we do the things that we buy.
Mountains of discarded things and people.
And I thought about the white duck.
I thought about being heard.

 

I thought about the pretty skyline and
the passing clouds and the airliners taking off and going to far away places and I thought about building churches and
turning discarded things into sacred vessels and I thought about Pete's Sausages, because, well, that's where we was going.

We're a lot like Sausages, aren't we, but we're, as a people, not as good as Pete's.
Maybe that's something we can change.