and so, I watched that movie again. I worked a long and busy night and I didn't really feel like working that hard, but it was probably for the better because I didn't have to think all that much. I didn't have to smile. Yes, I still managed to, but it wasn't like too many people saw. A few did and those smiles were like little reality checks. I probably should have brought my camera but I didn't. I didn't want to take any pictures. No, it wasn't that I didn't want to take any pictures, it was that I didn't want to increase my back log of post processing the images in Photoshop and then preparing them for print and web and yet, in the midst of the chaos of the evening, a few images stood out in my mind.
The young couple standing at the entrance to the bar in a constant state of embrace. She, in designer white tank top, pushing up her perfectly sized breasts to He, tall, chiseled young man who was polite in his John Bradley way every time I had to squeeze between them to get out to the floor to pick up empty glasses, empty ash trays and just check on the status of the bar. I didn't leave the bar all that much. I had Farrah there with me. She was working a party in the patio and cleaning up the Dining Room. Her sister and cousins were at the last table in the bar hoping to be able to meet up with her after work, but they had to settle for only brief moments of conversation with her. They didn't seem to mind that. I caught glimpses of conversation which I found to be both endearing and too girly for me and it didn't matter because I was only passing by. Blanca was there washing my glasses and cooking soup and making sauces.
And there was this girl that seemed to be with everyone and yet detached from everyone. When she ordered a second glass of House Cabernet from me, we shared a lingering smile. It wasn't a flirtatious smile. Nor was a smile that was like whispering in your ear. It was a friendly smile. It was a happy smile. It was a smile connecting the space between two people's eyes with little dots, and if there was tag line to the dots, it might say something like, "Thanks for looking at me. Thanks for seeing me."
Maybe that's why I connected with the movie.
Maybe it was Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?) . Where Will Ferrill's movies are mostly all misses for me, Maggie's movies are all (from what i've seen) well crafted stories that make you feel, that connect you to something other than popcorn and soda.
At one point Candace called me. She had just gotten home from Boston. I had thought she had driven by the restaurant, but she took another route and had no idea that the place was so busy that people were spilling out into the street.
"Who left the chicken out?"
"Oh, that was me. I am so sorry. I totally forgot. Until now ..."
And even in the insanity of that moment I had to take a step back and I had to pause this life.
I had forgotten about the chicken. When the movie started yesterday, I had gone to the fridge and pulled out some of the left over's from Thanksgiving. The funny thing was that I was really into the stuffing and gravy and the bread pudding. I pulled out the cornish game hens because I figured I should eat some protein. I made myself a plate. I put the plate in the microwave. Before the time even ended, I opened the door and I pulled out the plate and I went back to my chair and the movie and Magin sitting next to me, and when I was done I put the plate in the trash, but I totally forgot to put the left over hens back in the fridge. I totally forgot."
"I am so sorry. I completely forgot."
"what about the bread pudding? Did you eat all the bread pudding?"
"I did. Are you coming in? I'm slammed, but it's a really good vibe. It's comfortable."
There was a pause on her end.
And I should note that I was working while talking to her on the phone. Which itself made for likely an interesting visual, which maybe was the reason the young woman at the bar smiled at me when I gave her the glass of House Cabernet. And maybe even the reason why the tall chiseled young man with the girlfriend with the perfect breasts who kept offering them up to him without actually touching him, were so polite to me. Perhaps, but I'd like to think that these people are just like this normally.
I thought about that young couple at the end of my bar, blocking people from coming in and me from getting out. And I thought how wonderful it must have been to be lost in themselves and in their love in the midst of the live music and people spilling out into the streets and warmth of the community created.
"Satine's too excited right now. I think I'll just stay here. It's been a long flight."
"I understand Candace", I said, "and like I said, I'm slammed. I'll see you when I get home tonight."
And I hung up the phone and the night continued on.
And I remember when it was all over and Alphabet Man walked in and I could see, and sense, that he was a bit sad that he had waited so long before coming in, because he knew something cool had happened, but then something cool had happened last night with the Tomorrow People, and he hadn't even shown up.
Alphabet Man ordered a Cranberry Juice with a lemon wedge and I smiled and he gave me three dollars.
---
I awoke at 9:00. Candace had already taken Satine on two walks in which she tried desperately to attack two large dogs, but lucky for her, they chose to ignore her.
As best as they could. I was alone in the bed. I got up. It was cold.
"Candace?"
"I'm here", she said.
She brought me coffee.
I mentioned the movie I watched with Magin. She told me she read the blog.
I asked her if she wanted to watch it. And she said yes.
And I said, "right now?"
And she said, "how about in bed. It's warmer under the covers."
And so she brought coffee and we watched the movie.
And again, I cried. This time, twice. There's this part in the movie when Will Ferrill has this epiphany that he can live the life he wants. That it is ok to be Happy. And ... I connected with that. A tear welled because I, just like Will, knew that this epiphany was coming too late. What is it to come to an understanding of self when it doesn't matter any more? When the self is going to dissipate into the ether? I fought that tear off. I'm sure Candace heard me pulling on the tear's leash. And I think i was pretty clever in keeping the tear from leaving my eye socket.
But what I was surprised at was that i did shed tears at the same point in the ending of the film. And I thought the same things I did yesterday when Magin was sitting next to me.
And I felt so humbled.
What is the point of epiphanys that come too late?
If I could only write so well.
Such a beautiful well crafted movie this was. And the fact that my daughter had chosen this film, the fact that she had actually purchased this film, said volumes about her.
Wow.
I thought about how people connect. How we could place dots between those moments we neglect to remember and if we connected all those dots things would make sense. Like when we prepare ourselves for pictures. When we take our hair down and smile, and if you think about, the best pictures are the ones taken when you're not anticipating the flash, when you're not planning your smile or your facial composition. That's how you can measure connectivity with a person.
That's the epiphany.
ISn't it?
The silence of crowded room. Lovers in a corner. Laughter and song and the joy of being in a warm room on a cold night.
A phone to your ear bringing the voice from far to near.
A smile, a thank you, a glance, a measure of happenstance.
The connecting of dots
and abandoning of it's analysis.
The epiphany is simply to accept the truth of one's Life.
And thus, to find happiness in that acceptance.
What kind of Man walks willingly to his death because he knows that if he chooses not to die that day, others will be forever impacted. That the fate of the entire world might change?
What kind of Man does this?
You might say ' a holy man'. You might say, "that's what Jesus would do."
But isn't this the point of this epiphany I am having.
Holliness is not an absract thought. And Jesus is not some symbol we all look up to.
We each embody the ability to change and transform and to act with such altruistic aims.
Wow.
See what Magin spawned.
Now do you understand why I cried?
And thank you Maggie for giving will the opportunity to really make a difference in some poor fools life
like
mine.
The young couple standing at the entrance to the bar in a constant state of embrace. She, in designer white tank top, pushing up her perfectly sized breasts to He, tall, chiseled young man who was polite in his John Bradley way every time I had to squeeze between them to get out to the floor to pick up empty glasses, empty ash trays and just check on the status of the bar. I didn't leave the bar all that much. I had Farrah there with me. She was working a party in the patio and cleaning up the Dining Room. Her sister and cousins were at the last table in the bar hoping to be able to meet up with her after work, but they had to settle for only brief moments of conversation with her. They didn't seem to mind that. I caught glimpses of conversation which I found to be both endearing and too girly for me and it didn't matter because I was only passing by. Blanca was there washing my glasses and cooking soup and making sauces.
And there was this girl that seemed to be with everyone and yet detached from everyone. When she ordered a second glass of House Cabernet from me, we shared a lingering smile. It wasn't a flirtatious smile. Nor was a smile that was like whispering in your ear. It was a friendly smile. It was a happy smile. It was a smile connecting the space between two people's eyes with little dots, and if there was tag line to the dots, it might say something like, "Thanks for looking at me. Thanks for seeing me."
Maybe that's why I connected with the movie.
Maybe it was Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?) . Where Will Ferrill's movies are mostly all misses for me, Maggie's movies are all (from what i've seen) well crafted stories that make you feel, that connect you to something other than popcorn and soda.
At one point Candace called me. She had just gotten home from Boston. I had thought she had driven by the restaurant, but she took another route and had no idea that the place was so busy that people were spilling out into the street.
"Who left the chicken out?"
"Oh, that was me. I am so sorry. I totally forgot. Until now ..."
And even in the insanity of that moment I had to take a step back and I had to pause this life.
I had forgotten about the chicken. When the movie started yesterday, I had gone to the fridge and pulled out some of the left over's from Thanksgiving. The funny thing was that I was really into the stuffing and gravy and the bread pudding. I pulled out the cornish game hens because I figured I should eat some protein. I made myself a plate. I put the plate in the microwave. Before the time even ended, I opened the door and I pulled out the plate and I went back to my chair and the movie and Magin sitting next to me, and when I was done I put the plate in the trash, but I totally forgot to put the left over hens back in the fridge. I totally forgot."
"I am so sorry. I completely forgot."
"what about the bread pudding? Did you eat all the bread pudding?"
"I did. Are you coming in? I'm slammed, but it's a really good vibe. It's comfortable."
There was a pause on her end.
And I should note that I was working while talking to her on the phone. Which itself made for likely an interesting visual, which maybe was the reason the young woman at the bar smiled at me when I gave her the glass of House Cabernet. And maybe even the reason why the tall chiseled young man with the girlfriend with the perfect breasts who kept offering them up to him without actually touching him, were so polite to me. Perhaps, but I'd like to think that these people are just like this normally.
I thought about that young couple at the end of my bar, blocking people from coming in and me from getting out. And I thought how wonderful it must have been to be lost in themselves and in their love in the midst of the live music and people spilling out into the streets and warmth of the community created.
"Satine's too excited right now. I think I'll just stay here. It's been a long flight."
"I understand Candace", I said, "and like I said, I'm slammed. I'll see you when I get home tonight."
And I hung up the phone and the night continued on.
And I remember when it was all over and Alphabet Man walked in and I could see, and sense, that he was a bit sad that he had waited so long before coming in, because he knew something cool had happened, but then something cool had happened last night with the Tomorrow People, and he hadn't even shown up.
Alphabet Man ordered a Cranberry Juice with a lemon wedge and I smiled and he gave me three dollars.
---
I awoke at 9:00. Candace had already taken Satine on two walks in which she tried desperately to attack two large dogs, but lucky for her, they chose to ignore her.
As best as they could. I was alone in the bed. I got up. It was cold.
"Candace?"
"I'm here", she said.
She brought me coffee.
I mentioned the movie I watched with Magin. She told me she read the blog.
I asked her if she wanted to watch it. And she said yes.
And I said, "right now?"
And she said, "how about in bed. It's warmer under the covers."
And so she brought coffee and we watched the movie.
And again, I cried. This time, twice. There's this part in the movie when Will Ferrill has this epiphany that he can live the life he wants. That it is ok to be Happy. And ... I connected with that. A tear welled because I, just like Will, knew that this epiphany was coming too late. What is it to come to an understanding of self when it doesn't matter any more? When the self is going to dissipate into the ether? I fought that tear off. I'm sure Candace heard me pulling on the tear's leash. And I think i was pretty clever in keeping the tear from leaving my eye socket.
But what I was surprised at was that i did shed tears at the same point in the ending of the film. And I thought the same things I did yesterday when Magin was sitting next to me.
And I felt so humbled.
What is the point of epiphanys that come too late?
If I could only write so well.
Such a beautiful well crafted movie this was. And the fact that my daughter had chosen this film, the fact that she had actually purchased this film, said volumes about her.
Wow.
I thought about how people connect. How we could place dots between those moments we neglect to remember and if we connected all those dots things would make sense. Like when we prepare ourselves for pictures. When we take our hair down and smile, and if you think about, the best pictures are the ones taken when you're not anticipating the flash, when you're not planning your smile or your facial composition. That's how you can measure connectivity with a person.
That's the epiphany.
ISn't it?
The silence of crowded room. Lovers in a corner. Laughter and song and the joy of being in a warm room on a cold night.
A phone to your ear bringing the voice from far to near.
A smile, a thank you, a glance, a measure of happenstance.
The connecting of dots
and abandoning of it's analysis.
The epiphany is simply to accept the truth of one's Life.
And thus, to find happiness in that acceptance.
What kind of Man walks willingly to his death because he knows that if he chooses not to die that day, others will be forever impacted. That the fate of the entire world might change?
What kind of Man does this?
You might say ' a holy man'. You might say, "that's what Jesus would do."
But isn't this the point of this epiphany I am having.
Holliness is not an absract thought. And Jesus is not some symbol we all look up to.
We each embody the ability to change and transform and to act with such altruistic aims.
Wow.
See what Magin spawned.
Now do you understand why I cried?
And thank you Maggie for giving will the opportunity to really make a difference in some poor fools life
like
mine.
We can never lead the lives we want to. To much out there interferes. We can try, if nothing comes of it at least some kid will say, but man did he party but he loved.
Everything we try to acheive has changed by the time we can influence what we want. Maybe the best advice that I ever really, really hated was, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
There is never something I am so against as that thought...but if we open our eyes and enjoy life then every thing joins together. We can be together, Jefferson Airplane.
Often times we look at the outside that mocks us for what we love, even more we believe that forgiving is a flaw. Forgiving is never, ever a flaw. It is a step up the ladder, it is almost the ladder itself.
Take a day to free everyone you love, take a day to unburden yourself. Everyone is the same, everyone faces situations. But the people you love are always the people you love. Situations....aye there's the rub.
Posted by: Michael and Candace Magoski | 11/30/2008 at 06:17 PM
I cherish all the dots that have ever connected me to you in conversation and in knowing glances.
I feel indignation that you would deem such a lovely epiphany "too late."
I also cried when I watched that film.
I nearly cried when I read this blog.
Posted by: Jennifer Swingrover | 12/02/2008 at 12:00 AM
i'm so glad i met you today.
Posted by: michelle cunningham | 06/01/2009 at 04:14 PM