Dinner. With one at his friends, and two to cook for, it was something easy, something quick. It is cold tonight, and sometimes, we here in the upper mid-west, want something basic when it feels like this outside. So it was hamburgers, without buns, boiled potatoes, corn, and a motley assortment of drinks. I had Ruby Red Squirt. I love Squirt. I don't know why. Maybe, like the soda TAB, it reminds me of childhood, even though, in childhood, I hated TAB and Squirt.
Winter had her leftover sodas of which there were several; that girl is like the daughter in the movie, Signs. She has so many glasses throughout the house. She is constantly getting a different glass for every drink she has. Even if it is a half of an hour in-between, she gets a new glass. Soda is no different.
Thorne, he had juice. Green punch, actually. He loves that stuff,
that and the blue punch. He loves that his mouth changes color, but he always drinks more than he eats, so I end up having to really watch him so he doesn't overdo it and end up getting too full to eat his dinner.
I was thinking about what you said. That I am amazing. Standing there, at my gas burning stove (of which I used to be petrified to use) in my dirty "Hug a Tree" tee-shirt, and my ripped up, too big jeans of which I keep having to pull up, and I am thinking to myself, "Amazing? I am not amazing. I probably stink. I ought to be wearing a belt. I am cooking hamburger. I am not amazing." . But then, you Michael, I think you are amazing. Your work is amazing, and I feel like a speck next to all of this. A speck in the sunlight, sure, but a speck nonetheless. Dust always looks so beautiful in shafts of sunlight. You ever notice this? Like a cosmos, like souls in the whirlwind. But when those dust specks aren't whirling their way through shafts
of light, they are just dust. Something aggravating, something to wipe away, I suppose, to most people.
If I allow myself to sit and think too long about this coming week, I start to feel wobbly. I am so nervous..
I am a musician. I've played some fair sized crowds, I've done indie-film soundtrack work. I have played regularly as Saturday night entertainment at a local bar. But you know what? Despite that I have been making music in front of crowds since I was 14 years old, I always would end up vomiting before I played a show. Always. I don't know if it is a lack of confidence, if it is simply just my body and how it deals.. I don't know.
I just hope I don't vomit when this begins. I just hope I can retain my calm, my inner cool, I just hope I can contain my self. Literally. Heh.
I never though my life would take me on this road. I never dreamed of something like this. Never even attempted.
Yet, here we are.
There you
are.
And, here I am.
I might not think that I am amazing. But this is, M.
This is.